...there's a dragon in my soul...
...looking out my eyes...
...speaking with my voice...
...burying my cries...
...he drives away my friends...
...locks me in my head...
...and if I were to kill him...
...we would both be dead...


A silver and yellow Care Bear with a Dragon on his belly

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Think As I Say, Not As I Do

Blogging Against Disabalism Day!

As an early education teacher we are trained not to discrimnate, use buzz words, or in any way make disabled children feel bad or different. We teach them that anyone can do anything. We should accept children with physical, mental, and any other kind of disability, even if tehy don't give us teh staff or equipment to handle it. Fine, that thought is all well and good.

But even mention to them that you are spasming or convulsing, much less mention the word "seizure" and watch the situation turn. God forbid we as teachers have any impairment. God forbod they make any concessions for us. Even for staff who are supposedly "normal" they have unrealistic expectations. I came in with a 103 fever and had to faint in the classroom to be sent home.

Socially they like me because I am not a gossip. But that's because I don't really talk to many people at work, small talk aside. At first I talked to as few people as possible, so far as offending the owner. When a major issue came up and he was the one to back me up I wrote hima thank you letter. Four and a half years later I've only bonded with 2 co-worker's: the cook, who is entirely inappropriate at times, but very funny and Marta, a 4's teacher. She's leaving this week after 7 yrs. :(

So my social issues are acceptable, but my rare physical problems aren't. That's great. One would think that it would be the other way around. Where's the acceptance of people's differences? The ones I am supposed to teach the children?

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Suicide By Proxy

Suicide By Proxy by Faith Sarver

She's a little part of me, living in a fantasy world
meeting fake people, seeking fake goals, and happy endings
bearing her own fake name, drowning in her imagined fame
from the gallery of peanuts dividing up my brain

she has her own childhood memories
easilt crafted and colored in the lines
printed like a photo
not a child's scrawl

she knows what's going on before the day occurs
she can cheat her way
with a special line to god
never faces the monotony of a normal day

but she's still a part of me
her nature is my own
in taking on her world
takes off more than she can chew

so I'm committing suicide by proxy
to relieve the pressure inside
too much to feel, too much to do, her and I
her frustrations feed my own

committing suicide by proxy
with her death her responsibilties fade
though hers were fake, with them erased
the burden is lightened, my shoulders rise
I'll have time, to rest my mind
Until, by nature, she's remade.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Things to Keep, Pt 1

So I have discovered something from my childhood I definitely want to keep. My father had this thing about "talking the way you write, not writing the way you talk". This has turned me into an excellent writer.

I have come to value when people speak with a subject and verb in their sentences. It makes it so even when people are coming from completely different points of vew they still have a common lexicon. The words they use have a common meaning.

I can't satnd when people use sland and abbreviations over the internet. The question "how r u" makes me want to strangle someone. But I can ignore it most of the time. However, when people take that and put it back into the spoken language it drives me crazy. I can deal with people adding -sits-, or some other verb in their text box. But if you are talking to me, don't just say "sits" or "sprawls". Use the english language. It was created for a reason.

My father always said that sland was created to separate people, to set themselves apart. I always thought that was stupid. But even if it isn't done intentionally, it still serves to separate us. If we have a language, wouldn't it be wonderful if when we said something we meant the same thing?

It would make life so much easier, especially for someone with treouble reading body cues. You could just look at the words and know and at worse, ask for a clarification.

1. Think about what you want to communicate
2. Say what you mean and mean what you say
3. Make sure the words you use mean what you think they do

I had a very good vocabulary from early on. I knew what words meant ( and if I didn't, he made sure I did.)
When I say a couple, I mean two. When I say a few, I mean three. Was that so hard?

Reading was also a big part of my childhood. My biggest reading problem wasquickly running out of books. If you don't see a word you won't learn it.

Words are very powerful. I want to see them kept pure. When a word means too many things, it means nothing. The best example I have may seem offensive, but I don't mean it that way. When someone says something about "Christians" it makes a problem. Everyone has such a different view; there are so many different denominations and beliefs... what makes a Christian? Not even all "christians" believe in Christ. (This is not a rant on Christianity or religion at all, just the words used to talk about it.)

From the english classes I've been in it seems to be about how to write papers for the best grade or interpreting someone else's work, quite possibly in ways they never meant. I wrote a poem in highschool. Then the teacher "interpreted it". It was absolute bull.

Words and writing are an art. Can we make them beautiful again?

Friday, January 19, 2007

Twist and shout...

It happened again. I get this feeling in my chest, not exactly a physical feeling. Like something twisting... I get anxious and a bit manic maybe... I get the urge to do weird things like touch people in a weird way, moves strangely, make strange noises, and jump around and the urge to do... something... I don't know what to do. I hold it back which makes it all worse.
It feels so weird.


Do you feel any anger towards God because of your disability?

Do you feel any anger towards God because of your disability?

The subject of God and disability is complicated, because it doesn't just involve MY disability. My father is an Aspie and my sister is a Wheeler. My sister had a gradual shift from walkie to wheeler with a congential hip problem. She also has hearing and audio-processing problems. Both of these issues were relatively obvious compared to my undiagnosed autism.

She "had it out" with God early on, around 11, before she was a wheeler. She became a true christian. Too many christians do not practice what they preach, but I can truly respect her faith. My father shoved it down my throat so hard I gagged. I am very prejudiced against "christian" things. He is not a hypocrate, but he can be relentless and not empathetic at all, go figure.

I was depressed and unhappy as a child. I was just as misunderstood at church as anywhere else. I felt no attachment to "God", nothing. And because I was a rebellious child, I shot to the complete opposite of the spectrum. I explored wicca and various pagan religions. Eventually I took up Kemeticism, the ancient egyption religion. It is not actually at heart a multi-god religion, but holds that each "god"is a face of God.

In my life though, my definition of God has changed. God is not infallible, omnipotent. Therefore, they can't be blamed for everything. Were I to believe in a perfect God, I just may. But I have seen very little in this world to indicate a perfect God.

Some would say I lost my faith, but in truth I never really had it. Saying prayers as a five year old doesn't mean much. As a thinking person, I have not found anything to substantiate the christian view. Mind you, my soul is in a endless quest for the truth. As I tell my father, maybe I'll find my way back if it is true.

I don't agree with most Kemeticists. That doesn't bother me. I don't really agree with anyone on anything.
Faith is personal. I think what matters in the end is whether you truly believed something to be true and pure.

However, in the end, blame is useless. Things are how they are. Accept them and go on. If you can accept them and build from there. Life gives you lemons, make lemon and pepper steak.

Disability Questions

1) If you could re-live your life without having your disability, would you?

The only reason for certain I'd say no, is my daughter. If I did I'd be a different person. But I'd still have been raised with two other disabled person in my family. So I'd still be the odd man out, just in my family, not the world. So, I suppose not.

2) Do you want people to show interest by asking personal questions about your disability?

Most people don't know about it. Not because I hide it, but because they don't care enough to get to know me. They just don't bother to put the effort in to get past my wall. If someone noticed something and asked, I'd be very impressed. It would showtha they paid enough attention to care.

3) What is the hardest thing in life for you to do?

I have a very hard time maintaining friendships with people. If I manage to actually make a friend, which is hard for me. I have to fight the urge to just stay under the radar and then manage to not screw up in the attempt. Keeping a friend is harder. I don't keep in contact with people I don't see regularly. I don't do small talk and my interests are fairly focused.

The friends I have are people who seek me out and understand I won't do the same. Many of them were originally around to see my sister who has a very high charisma. Many of them are still around because of her and less so me. I don't "do" things. I'm not interested in movies, msot games, etc.

5) Do you resent people that try to help you?

No, but I don't think people understand that I need help. I've done a fairly good job at being "independent". I'd like to think I wouldn't resent it, but I can't be sure.
My Fiance tries I think, but he tends to do it in a half-assed, obviously rather be doing something else fashion most of the time.

6) Would you rather do things on your own?

No, I've always been somewhat co-dependent, when I have someone to rely on.

7) Do you feel any anger towards God because of your disability?

Wow... that's complicated. I'll make a separate post on that.

8) What do you dislike the most of other people around you (ex- people staring, pointing, etc)?

Making assumptions and not bothering to ask me what I meant...

9) What is the best way for us to help you?

I'm not entirely sure. I'm very lost. I need friends.

10) Do you feel awkward when you are around people that are different than you?

Always, and that is most of the time I am not at home.

Monday, January 15, 2007

How do Dragons love?

When I was little I would tell my father "I love you." He would say something along the lines of, "No you don't. If you loved me, you would do as I say." If you asked him what love was he'd go on and on about how love is not a "wishy-washy" emotion.

In recent conversations, after discovering autism in the family, I have heard this quote about he and I when I was little, "she made it so I couldn't love her. it wasn't safe." He and I would have volatile fights, often leading to violence. Then he just ignored me.
My father is an Aspie. He doesn't relate to adults well and has no empathy or understanding at all for children. He avoids my daughter most of the time and when he does give advice I often find it lacking.

As an adult, the subject of love flummoxes me. I've never understood why people found others attractive or not. My relationship history from my late teens is filled with promiscuity and anxiety. I tried to fit in , but the only way I could cope with large groups and parties was to go completely manic, which stressed me out more.
Then I decided I would find someone I could turn into what I wanted. I wanted a baby, preferably more than one. I've desperately wanted a child since I was little. I knew if I waite dto do everything I was "supposed to do" first, it would be a very long time.
I am engaged and I have an infant daughter. I don't have a romantic tale of how I fell in love. Some days I can't honestly say I'm in love at all because I don't understand the concept. I grew up to learn that love was something that you built up and you had to put a lot of work into it.

I am engaged to someone I met in High School. We weren't even friends then. We had the same friends and continues to meet socially. One day, it just clicked. He was important. It took two year before we actually started dating. Three months later we were living together. A year later we were engaged and a year after that we were pregnant.
We got engaged in a completely unromantic scene where I threatened to ask him. His manly pride wouldn't allow it. Instead of waiting for emotions to build and see how thigs go as other people decsribe this "Dating Process", I would rather jump into and make it work. Build it from there.

He is fairly helpless in practical matters, which leaves me to take care of them. This can be annoying. However, I am a complete control freak so maybe it's better that way.

I may not know alot about love and emotion but love must exist. Because Dan still puts up with me, despite everything.
And of course, I love my daughter unconditionally.